Matters of the Heart: Vulnerability

Vulnerability.

It’s the thing I simultaneously crave and fear the most. I don’t think I’m alone in that sentiment.  I think we all want to be known for who we really are and loved for that authenticity–even despite that authenticity.  I don’t have to be guarded. I don’t need to wear a mask or project a persona for impression’s sake–we’re way past such things–or so we hope.

With women, it doesn’t have to be romantic for it to be meaningful. I have many rich relationships with women that have remained platonic and filled with love and support.  I’ve noticed a trend of such bonds and I think it’s a very good thing for our culture. Yet there is still a deeper longing to simply lean into each other in the purest, non-sexual way.  That longing is tempered by our fear of being used–or even worse–lost in whomever we decide to  lean on. It’s entirely possible to forge those friendships.  I have a few friends like that and I’m deeply grateful for them.

With men, I find it far more challenging to make those deeper connections. Perhaps it is the culture of machismo interwoven with a subtle (or not-so-subtle) homophobia that keeps a wall upheld between men.  We often speak of brotherhood, but in practice, we can be more gossip-driven and self-centered than the stereotypes we so easily hoist upon our female friends.  We playfully post-script our brotherhood with phrases like “no homo”  and “i love you bro,” to dip our toe into vulnerability without truly diving in. Who made these rules? Why do we play by them? When did the sacred masculine become afraid of itself?

The real question is: what does true vulnerability look like to you?

I have a few ideas:

• Can I truly be myself in your presence?
• Will you judge me?
• Critique me? Reject me? Exile me?
• Can I think differently from you and engage in discourse without division?
• Can I attempt something risky in your presence without fear of ridicule?
• Can I expose myself to attack, wounding and theft–both physically, intellectually and emotionally–and not be afraid of you?

Posting this is in itself an act of vulnerability–as any sincere blogger knows. I am exposing my thoughts to your review. But that’s the point isn’t it? I want to live a life that is authentic, vulnerable and unafraid.

Yet this is mere practice at doing so. Vulnerability is the only way to experience life. We try to mitigate our risks. We try to be selectively vulnerable. We do it in business, family and friendships–It doesn’t work. It locks out life. I read so many posts on Facebook about living life to the fullest–what I think they are really saying is:

I want to be vulnerable again.

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.
Madeleine L’Engle

Kevin Johnson

A hip, mavericky AfroEurAsian papa of three, executive coach, writer, marathoner & salsero. I help leaders & organizations improve and enjoy their life & work.

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